It is with the appropriate measure of reluctance (by which I mean none) that I announce my elevation to Director-General for Life of the Institute of Questionable Art.
The committee deliberated for some time. The committee was, on this occasion, me. I recused myself from the vote, voted anyway, and won handsomely.
On the Question of Qualifications
Several parties, none of whom I will name because I do not know who they are, have asked what qualifies me for a role I have just invented. I find the question vulgar. One does not ask the sky for its credentials. One simply admires it and lowers one's voice.
For the record, my qualifications include:
- An unbroken record of being correct about things that cannot be measured.
- The ability to stand near a painting and breathe in a way that suggests insight.
- A scarf.
A Word to the Staff
There is no staff. There is me, a kettle, and a framed photograph of myself looking unimpressed at a sunset. Nonetheless, I have called a staff meeting, addressed the kettle for forty minutes, and accepted its silence as agreement.
In Closing
The Institute is now under my permanent stewardship, which is to say it is exactly as it was yesterday, but more so. Submissions remain open. Standards remain imaginary but strictly enforced.
I thank myself, and I accept my own thanks with characteristic grace.
Nigel Ponceby-Smythe, Director-General for Life, Founder of the Position